Cancer.

I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma in June of 2000.

It changed my life.

I remember laying in the hospital thinking about all the people that were important to me, and how much I wanted to tell them everything that was in my heart that had never been spoken.

I couldn't. The nerve that controls my right vocal cord was damaged during surgery and I was left voiceless. At the time we didn't know if I would ever talk again.

There was so much I hadn't said. Why hadn't I said it?

When I got home from the hospital I started emailing the people that I cared about. I wanted them to know how much I loved them, and how important they were in my life. All the unexpressed feelings I had inside me were put into writing as I waited for pathology results to confirm what type of cancer I had and what my prognosis would be.

I was fortunate to have a very slow growing type of cancer. It was treated with radioactive iodine and I was soon on the path to recovery.

In the six months I lived without a voice I learned something important. If you have a voice, use it. Communicate. Tell people how you feel. There may not be a tomorrow.

I'll always speak from the heart. You'll always know where you are with me.

My vocal cord is still paralized, but I'm *extremely* lucky. After months of whispering and doing vocal exercises, my left vocal cord became strong enough to reach all the way over to the paralyzed vocal cord and make enough contact to produce sound. My voice was weak, but it was more than a whisper.

In time my voice became stronger.

When you can't talk above a faint whisper everything changes. 

My business depends on communication. I couldn't talk with business associates and clients without leaning extremely close to whisper in their ear. It was awkward. I was embarassed. People didn't understand me on the phone. I couldn't go to dinner with a group of friends because the background noise and the constant talking over one another didn't allow for me to get my weak whisper in on the conversation. I'd sit there listening and smiling, wanting to be a part of the conversation, but I couldn't. Using a cell phone was impossible. I couldn't go through a drive through to order a happy meal for my kids. I couldn't scream, "STOP" if one of my boys were running into the street or reaching toward a hot stove. I couldn't call my husband at work just to see how his day was going. Even things like being intimate are changed when you can't make sound. It was sad and lonely not having a voice, but through it all I tried to remain positive.

I remember watching a movie with Adam and the boys. I was trying to ask Adam if he wanted me to make some popcorn. I nudged him and leaned close to his ear, "Would you like some popcorn?" The words were nearly inaudable. "What?" He asked, so I leaned closer to whispered again trying harder to make sound. He paused the movie and said, "Boys, be quiet please, Mom is trying to say something."

I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

Not being able to communicate was almost harder than the cancer itself.

When my voice came back I started expressing myself. In the six months I went without a voice, I made a mental list of all the things I wanted to say to the people in my life.

Cancer has made me a better person.

I don't take life for granted. I live with an open heart. I make the most out of every single day. I don't leave things unsaid or unresolved. And I love deeply.

Recently I had a recurrence of papillary carcinoma. I went through radiation just as I have severeal times over the past 10 years. It's become a familiar process with familiar emotions.

This week I had a "perfect" scan. I think it's finally over.

A tremendous weight has been lifted.

I can be me again.

I thought I was strong, but as I left the hospital, all the fear, anxiety, emotion, and stress that I'd been denying........ was GONE, and I could feel how much fear I had been hiding . I could breath again.

So, what would you say to the people in your life today, if you knew you wouldn't be able to talk tomorrow?

How would you live your life if your days were numbered?

I think about it all the time. I don't take waking up in the morning for granted.